This is the essence of Today in Awesome.
Today in awesome, we'll be focusing on a historical figure who specialized in cartoonish supervillainy. A man Snidely Whiplash learned his laugh from; a real life, honest to god, "hey would you mind feeding my laser sharks while I tighten the screws on this death ray?" kind of guy, who was once walking around and breathing the same air as your grandpa.
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| "I like my babies shaken, not stirred." |
This is the story of one Otto Skorzeny. He is a real life James Bond villain.
Do you see that smile? That is the smile of a man who is seconds away from dropping you into a pool filled with starved piranhas. Those maniac eyes are the eyes of an escaped mental patient with the hysteric strength of ten men. That iron cross, the iron cross of a Nazi SS Colonel. If you're not that big into history, the SS was the closest reality has come to the League of Doom. Otto would have been up there with Sinestro- certainly above Solomon Grundy. Oh and by the way, he received that super wicked face scar from fencing. According to statistics I just made up, fencing is, like, the most common olympic sport super villains are masters of. When is the last time a protagonist had to face off the villain in an epic tennis match? Or curling, for that matter?
"His underprivileged upbringing helped make him the feared commando that he became."
~Goddamned Wikipedia.
If you think that's a badass quote, his entire page on Wikipedia reads like a list of Chuck Norris jokes. Let's try another one:
Do you see that smile? That is the smile of a man who is seconds away from dropping you into a pool filled with starved piranhas. Those maniac eyes are the eyes of an escaped mental patient with the hysteric strength of ten men. That iron cross, the iron cross of a Nazi SS Colonel. If you're not that big into history, the SS was the closest reality has come to the League of Doom. Otto would have been up there with Sinestro- certainly above Solomon Grundy. Oh and by the way, he received that super wicked face scar from fencing. According to statistics I just made up, fencing is, like, the most common olympic sport super villains are masters of. When is the last time a protagonist had to face off the villain in an epic tennis match? Or curling, for that matter?
"His underprivileged upbringing helped make him the feared commando that he became."
~Goddamned Wikipedia.
If you think that's a badass quote, his entire page on Wikipedia reads like a list of Chuck Norris jokes. Let's try another one:
"In December 1942, Skorzeny was hit in the back of the head by shrapnel from Russian Katyusha artillery rockets. He refused all first aid except for a few aspirin, a bandage, and a glass of schnapps."
Seriously? Who head butts a rocket then drinks away the ringing in his ears?
After that display of badassery, Otto set out to rescue his old pal Mussolini (Himself a Bond villain, but, you know, one of the lamer ones. One from the Pierce Brosnan era) from an Allied prison. Skorzeny's spy-plane was shot down not once, but twice, and then he went for a third ride just for the hell of it. I'd be a little height-weary for life after plummeting from the sky the first time, but Skorzeny reacted mildly at best and figure'd third time was a charm. Afterwards, he ninja'd Mussolini out of prison without using any guns. I can only assume the guards threw down their arms after seeing this guy's terrifying grin.
His entire military career is a ballet of espionage, kidnapping, murder, and a rogue's gallery of legendary heroes and villains. For instance, he was one of the guys that took down Tom Cruise's lovable nazi in the movie Valkyrie.
After spreading a rumor that he was going to kidnap General-and-later-President Eisenhower, Americans put the general under maximum security. This obviously dampened Eisenhower's Christmas, so he put out a manhunt for Skorzeny all over France with wanted posters and everything. Except he wasn't even in France. He was leading a team of badass ninja commandos called the "Werewolves" in Russia. Otto was such a terrifying nemesis, that if he so much as casually mentions kidnapping the general of the most powerful military on the planet as if he were the Lindbergh baby from the complete opposite side of Europe, then the entire U.S. military skips the Amber Alert and puts a future president under maximum security.
After Germany lost WWII, Otto let us catch him and we put him on trial for all kinds of evil shit.
Seriously? Who head butts a rocket then drinks away the ringing in his ears?
After that display of badassery, Otto set out to rescue his old pal Mussolini (Himself a Bond villain, but, you know, one of the lamer ones. One from the Pierce Brosnan era) from an Allied prison. Skorzeny's spy-plane was shot down not once, but twice, and then he went for a third ride just for the hell of it. I'd be a little height-weary for life after plummeting from the sky the first time, but Skorzeny reacted mildly at best and figure'd third time was a charm. Afterwards, he ninja'd Mussolini out of prison without using any guns. I can only assume the guards threw down their arms after seeing this guy's terrifying grin.
His entire military career is a ballet of espionage, kidnapping, murder, and a rogue's gallery of legendary heroes and villains. For instance, he was one of the guys that took down Tom Cruise's lovable nazi in the movie Valkyrie.
After spreading a rumor that he was going to kidnap General-and-later-President Eisenhower, Americans put the general under maximum security. This obviously dampened Eisenhower's Christmas, so he put out a manhunt for Skorzeny all over France with wanted posters and everything. Except he wasn't even in France. He was leading a team of badass ninja commandos called the "Werewolves" in Russia. Otto was such a terrifying nemesis, that if he so much as casually mentions kidnapping the general of the most powerful military on the planet as if he were the Lindbergh baby from the complete opposite side of Europe, then the entire U.S. military skips the Amber Alert and puts a future president under maximum security.
After Germany lost WWII, Otto let us catch him and we put him on trial for all kinds of evil shit.
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| Otto Skorzeny awaiting the Nuremberg trials, where the most despicable men of the 20th century were brought to justice. Seen here not giving a shit. |
He set up an evil organization known as Die Spinne, that assisted Nazi war criminals in escaping to South America in hopes of creating a "Fourth Reich". Still not convinced that you're living in an action movie yet?
In the 1960s Skorzeny set up the Paladin Group, which he envisioned as "an international directorship of strategic assault personnel [that would] straddle the watershed between paramilitary operations carried out by troops in uniforms and the political warfare which is conducted by civilian agents"
So... like the fucking A-Team. But evil.
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| Now how did this image get in here? |
But the Paladin Group is still around. Blowing shit up and holding the world ransom. Threatening to laser suave British spies in half and kidnapping beautiful women. Drop them an email sometime!
It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that there is true, unambiguous evil left in the world to fight. Sometimes we need to take a break from the horrors and ethical grey areas of modern warfare and return to a simpler time, when heroes were heroes, and villains were trying their damnedest to resemble Cobra Command or Hydra.
If you still don't believe something this awesome could have happened, read for yourself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto_Skorzeny
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paladin_Group
P.S: Did Otto strangle Nikola Tesla to death with his bare hands? Either he did, or he knew he could say anything and we'd believe it.
http://www.sott.net/article/241580-Nikola-Tesla-Was-Murdered-by-Otto-Skorzeny
For an article that is basically an abridged version of his Wiki article, you conveniently neglected to mention that he also worked for the Mossad and his funeral was even attended by former Mossad agents.
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