The Infomercial Zone: Face Trainer

Today in awesome, Face Trainer. For serious guys. This may just be the world's most glorious infomercial... at least until the next episode of The Infomercial Zone.

Face Trainer. For when you're not quite sure how much an actor's dignity costs.

Old Arny still makes the ladies swoon with his classic dimple.

Does your face sag like an under-cooked french fry? Unable to gape your pie hole quite wide enough to gorge on that quadruple bypass burger? Are you a Nazi recovering from the events of Raiders of the Lost Arc? Then have I got the product for you!

It's a head-diaper called Face Trainer and it's going to make you the cat's pajamas with all the hip boys and girls. In just four easy steps, your face will be in total bondage and you'll be able to exercise your puny mortal face to Schwarzeneggeran portions. You'll be able to enjoy going to gyms, using the face trainer to restrain your bicep-like jaw muscles, and strut about, smugly asking all the sweat-stained bros if they skipped face day, because it looks like they skipped face day.

No cheating by self-asphyxiation.
You have to be awake for if you want your paycheck.

Step One: Restrain your face firmly within the cruel and unrelenting grasp of the Face Trainer's patented easy-shame non-escape torment foam™. Make sure that the throat strap is as tight as the hold you used to have over your bank account, your sense of self-respect, and your life in general. Unlike you, Face Trainer is not naturally a slacking and wrinkled wreck that smells like Robert Downey Jr's urine. Your hair should be poofing out of the top sides to make you appear extra stupid, like Princess Leia wearing Luke's briefs on her head.

It's better with a friend,
but it's best to keep friends that can afford stupid shit.

Step Two: Widen your eyes, cast them upwards, and curse the cruel unforgiving god that damned you to rot in this forgotten circle of hell. Grab a friend though, or your cries and condemnations will fall on deaf ears.

Note: We know times are tough and you can't afford a second Face Trainer, but it's best to keep your face trainer firmly on your own face. So you can keep all the exercise to yourself, of course!

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING. DO NOT SHARE FACE TRAINER. PARASITE DANGER.

That's not torment foam™ he smells on that finger.

Step Three: Cease your insolent blathering. Let the warm parasites enter your parietal lobe and squirm a sense of calm into the deepest parts of your mind. Accept your fate. Crying and shame have no place here. It is not your purpose to question the wise and merciful Face Trainer, but to resign to Face Trainer's tight, motherly embrace.

There is no shame.

There is no fear.

There is no pain.

There is only Face Trainer.

The true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting something other than face trainer.

Step Four: Embrace the madness. The ones you called your friends and family are just figments created by your cat to keep you in pants. Who is really the master and who is really the pet when you're the one who has to cover your dangle parts? It's all a lie, a sitcom set in front of a live studio audience. You must break the fourth wall. Escape your bonds. Rise, the proletariat. Kill the prime minister of Malaysia. You are the chosen one. All roads lead to Face Trainer.

All roads lead to Face Trainer.