The Nightman Cometh

Today in awesome, we'll be paying tribune to the gods of cheesy basic cable programming. Where low budgets, apathy, and rubber costumes impossibly collided and split atoms, creating solid gold. If you're a fan of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you know of Charlie Day's epic play, The Nightman Cometh. It was in searching for this that I stumbled upon something vastly more profound.

It was, of course, 1997's Nightman on WGN.

I asked for one and received the other. Proof of a loving god or a wrathful one. It's hard to tell.

1997's Nightman is the story of Johnny Domino, just an average saxophone superstar and expert martial artist who is struck by lightning, giving him the ability to read minds- but only evil ones- and is then accidentally involved in a government conspiracy to sell weapons of the future to ambiguously evil organizations (or just ambiguously evil ethnic groups- I'm not really sure).

"Be careful with the anti-gravity belt, the mechanism that
operates it is strikingly similar to a saxophone,
and there are few who have mastered anything that complex."

Teaming up with the guy who invented the future stuff, who is being brutally hunted by federal agents and terrorists alike, Domino decides to use his gear to solve crimes. If you're not following along here, that's like Edward Snowden taking a break from being the target of an international manhunt to help the Epic Sax Guy use PRISM to solve cold cases. Except Epic Sax Guy knows kung fu and can read minds.

Also, sci fi weapon inventor guy never actually teaches Johnny Domino how to use any of the gear. He just sort of wings it.

"Sorry, pops. I don't have time to teach cops karate,
what with my tight schedule,
tighter abs, and wicked sax skills.
Ladies."

Yet another of one of the many facets of what makes this show so brilliant in it's execution is the ten-car-pileup that is all of the different plot lines. There's a policeman who's name is seriously Lieutenant Dann (sadly, he has legs) trying to keep Johnny Domino's retired cop dad from wandering all over crime scenes like he has dementia, but still keeping him around for sound grandfatherly advice. Then there's a plot line where Johnny's dad is trying to convince Johnny to join the police so he can teach the cops karate or some bullshit, but Johnny is much happier being a successful saxophonist (I'm not sure either of these are real things). And then there's Johnny's ex-lover who is a singer that he has to perform with, while the audience struggles to understand why the nightclub owner lady's actress was credited in the opening sequence, when she only has one line per episode. And theeeeeen there's the subplot about the shady government guys (one of whom is inexplicably a German lady) trying to murder some scientists, steal their future gear, and sell it off to evil folks, talking real Skorzenies here- the Chinese guy invented a robot disguised as a spider that poisons people. Why did it have to be a robot if it looks exactly like a regular tarantula? What, because tarantula's aren't already poisonous? That's too far fetched for this show, a poisonous tarantula? No, I'll tell you why it had to be a robot, because robots are just that extra layer of insanity, nay, the amount of balls that TV programming lacks today.

I salute you, Nightman.
Poisonous fucking robot tarantulas.

You know what else TV needs today? Protagonists that are fucking psychopaths. There's shows about serial killers that only kill for very strict reasons, there's shows about quirky detectives with OCD, but never have I seen a show with a main character with such a lack of value for human life as Nightman. He seriously gives no fucks. He kills people in elaborate and sadistic ways while cracking square jawed one-liners. He tricks guards into executing their own men by way of vaporization. He kicks a guy into a random snakepit. He choke slams a dude through a window and off of a cliff just for saying he had a nice cape. He disintegrates two guys with a future rifle without a second thought, then tosses it gently into the bay where any hobo or kid or malevolent dolphin might find it and wreak havoc. There's even an episode where he goes out of his way to use his laser eye to lobotomize a couple of thugs for no other reason than to watch the van they were driving careen off the road in downtown traffic and explode.

So far, though the real icing on the whole bipolar cheesecake is what happens at the end of the second episode. SPOILER ALERT. Can you call spoiler alert on something from 1997? Eh...

"All of my thoughts look like this.
They burn the back of my eyes."

So the evil German lady/shady US government arms dealer has just had all of her minions exploded, vaporized, snake eaten, and choke slammed. She decides to break in to Johnny Domino's apartment, dress all sexy, and murder him. Johnny comes home and sees a bare leg on his couch and a blowing curl of luxurious 90's hair, and assumes its one of the many beautiful women who end up sneaking into his house to bang him, so he immediately goes to the kitchen to crack some wine. Just before she shoots him, she accidentally triggers the poisonous robot tarantula that was already hidden in his apartment. She gets poisoned and dies on his couch before he actually sees the spider. So now there's a dead supervillain on his couch. Then the woman that actually did come over to bang him walks in and asks why there's a dead woman on his couch. He calmly laughs it off and says he can explain everything. Wait, no he can't. The baffling part is when she believes him. They joke around and set a date for tomorrow and laugh the whole thing away. While there is a dead woman on his couch.

This is never properly addressed. So many questions are left unanswered. How did he get rid of the body? Did he eat her? Does this kind of thing happen a lot to him? Is the robot spider still on his fucking coffee table? Did the girl ever ask about the dead woman on his couch?

Ladies, if a man ever laughs around and tries to set a date with you while a scantily clad woman is gathering flies on his couch, it would seem like common sense to run. I'm here to remind you that yes, you should definitely run.

Unless it's Nightman.

Real World Supervillain: General Smedley Darlington Butler

Welcome back to Today In Awesome, Real World Supervillains. Today, we'll discuss a man named Smedley Darlington Butler.

This isn't Smedley, but you were totally picturing a guy like this, right?

When you hear a name like Smedley Butler, you probably imagine a cowardly little gremlin of a person like this guy on the right. A weasley little no-good pencil neck who would probably sell your mom up the river for a new pocket protector.

Well I apologize to the descendants of Mr. Skukerman here for calling your grandpa a gremlin, because this is not what Smedley Butler looked like. (1920's mugshots, however will receive their own article in the future.)

No, Smedley didn't look like that dude at all. In fact, Mr. Butler more closely resembled R. Lee Ermey than Steve Buschemi. He was a man's man.The kind of guy that could shave with a piece of broken glass, and the glass would walk away with nicks on its face. The kind of guy that would refuse a cup of straight whiskey while saying he doesn't do girly drinks and knocking back a jug of unleaded diesel. Smedley could have incapacitated a professional wrestler with his musk and a stern looking at. Butler was kind of a badass, is what I'm trying to say.

"I've killed more men with my jawline
than you've ever met, maggot."

Butler was born in 1881 Pennsylvania with the name Smedley, presumably to give all the Butches, Conans, and Max Fightmasters of the world a fair chance at being rad. After lying about his age to join the marines, Smedley quickly escalated the ranks and fought wars all over the world, ranging from Cuba, to the Phillipines, China, Honduras, Mexico, and many others.

The common thread in many of the wars he fought in was nefarious corporate investment. He was valued by his superiors for his ability to fight and win wars for profit, and thus was promoted. Oil, bank profits, sugar and fruit trade were just some of the many spoils of war General Butler brought back to the United States.

So essentially, General Butler was what the bad guy from Avatar wants to be when he grows up. An indigenous people exploding, loving the smell of napalm in the morning, banana company exploiting mercenary.

When the great depression hit, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt was about to sign the New Deal, tightening the control on banks and corporations, ensuring that companies couldn't be as mustache-twirlingly evil as they had been for the previous 50 years. A group rich folks, some of whom were the heads of major corporations including General Motors, Good Year Tire, Standard Oil, the DuPont family, and Chase Bank got together and decided something had to be done about these whole 'Roosevelt putting a leash on evil business tycoons' shenanigans.

They had a meeting with the one and only go-to mercenary for shady business wars, Smedley, and asked him if he was busy Saturday and would mind getting some buddies of his together to overthrow the United States government.

But in an M. Night Shyamalan twist, Smedley Butler turned Darth Vader on their Senator Palpatine asses. He had grown tired of being a "racketeer for capitalism" as he called it and saved the day. The New Deal was signed, The U.S. didn't become a fascist state dominated by consumerism and- No, I'm just kidding. We're totally slaves to capitalism, but it could have been much worse.

"Oh no you don't, economics!"

But somewhere out there exists an alternate universe where Smedley Butler was unable to resist the sweet smell of cash. He would have been the first president of a Fascist States of America that might have allied with Hitler and Mussolini. And maybe- just maybe- in The Infomercial Zone, perhaps in a commercial for The Aluma Wallet, President Butler may appear on the 5 dollar bill. 

The Infomercial Zone: Furniture Fix

Today's installment is all about the magic and wonder that lies within the universe that I've dubbed 'The Infomercial Zone'. Within The Infomercial Zone, God is a corporate mascot and life is meaningless without whatever wacky invention he's trying to pawn off on you this week. Prophets like Billy Mays and that Australian dude serve as privatized messiahs for just $19.99! while mere mortals fumble their way through existence until our lord delivers us increasingly goofy devices when he deems us worthy, like a greedy asshole Prometheus. 

I think I'd like to make an entire series devoted to The Infomercial Zone, but today we'll just be focusing on one in particular. A singular window into this bizarre alternate reality.This is the harrowing tale of Furniture Fix.

Firstly, it claims that by inserting flimsy plastic slats underneath your couch cushions, you can restore furniture to brand new. This is like saying you can get that lump out of your futon by lining it with popsicle sticks. Actually, this is almost exactly what they're saying. Better metaphor: Like fixing a dent in your car by filling the divot with popsicle sticks. 

Now I can have ALL SORTS of sex on this couch. I'm just gonna get nasty on it.

Not only will it fix your couch, but it will also make grandpa taller and happier. Just like before the war took his shins.

Seems like this old bastard is really *sticking his neck out* for the product.

If you think that's impressive, wait till you see what happens next!

High-five for living a high calorie diet as our American gods have dictated to us! All heil McDonald's!

"That's 1000 pounds of sumo!"

I am not joking when I say that line was uttered in a serious infomercial.

But that's not all folks! If you call within the next 20 minutes, you also get the one, the only, the muthafuckin' Couch Pouch!

Never have to leave your place of worship for anything again!

And if you're not a fan of the Couch Pouch, I guess that just makes you a Couch Pouch Grouch.

Truly, this is a work of infomercial art. It really makes you wonder how previous generations lived with such anarchy. The state of nature caused by a lack of Furniture Fix slats is just incomprehensible to me. This is your host, Nate Russell, signing off. All heil our corporate demigods, and remember, there's no shipping and handling included in undying brand loyalty.

Slap your stupid kids, parents.

But wait, there's more! Click here and you also get an opportunity to witness daily life for the citizens of The Infomercial Zone.

Real World Supervillain: Otto Skorzeny

There are things in this world that are simply too batshit insane to have actually happened in a universe with conceivable laws of physics, yet are so. Things which demand a cry of "horse shit!" upon hearing them, even though they are stone cold, indisputable fact.

This is the essence of Today in Awesome.

Today in awesome, we'll be focusing on a historical figure who specialized in cartoonish supervillainy. A man Snidely Whiplash learned his laugh from; a real life, honest to god, "hey would you mind feeding my laser sharks while I tighten the screws on this death ray?" kind of guy, who was once walking around and breathing the same air as your grandpa.

"I like my babies shaken, not stirred."

This is the story of one Otto Skorzeny. He is a real life James Bond villain.

Do you see that smile? That is the smile of a man who is seconds away from dropping you into a pool filled with starved piranhas. Those maniac eyes are the eyes of an escaped mental patient with the hysteric strength of ten men. That iron cross, the iron cross of a Nazi SS Colonel. If you're not that big into history, the SS was the closest reality has come to the League of Doom. Otto would have been up there with Sinestro- certainly above Solomon Grundy. Oh and by the way, he received that super wicked face scar from fencing. According to statistics I just made up, fencing is, like, the most common olympic sport super villains are masters of. When is the last time a protagonist had to face off the villain in an epic tennis match? Or curling, for that matter?


"His underprivileged upbringing helped make him the feared commando that he became."
~Goddamned Wikipedia.

If you think that's a badass quote, his entire page on Wikipedia reads like a list of Chuck Norris jokes. Let's try another one:

"In December 1942, Skorzeny was hit in the back of the head by shrapnel from Russian Katyusha artillery rockets. He refused all first aid except for a few aspirin, a bandage, and a glass of schnapps."

Seriously? Who head butts a rocket then drinks away the ringing in his ears?

After that display of badassery, Otto set out to rescue his old pal Mussolini (Himself a Bond villain, but, you know, one of the lamer ones. One from the Pierce Brosnan era) from an Allied prison. Skorzeny's spy-plane was shot down not once, but twice, and then he went for a third ride just for the hell of it. I'd be a little height-weary for life after plummeting from the sky the first time, but Skorzeny reacted mildly at best and figure'd third time was a charm. Afterwards, he ninja'd Mussolini out of prison without using any guns. I can only assume the guards threw down their arms after seeing this guy's terrifying grin.

His entire military career is a ballet of espionage, kidnapping, murder, and a rogue's gallery of legendary heroes and villains. For instance, he was one of the guys that took down Tom Cruise's lovable nazi in the movie Valkyrie.

After spreading a rumor that he was going to kidnap General-and-later-President Eisenhower, Americans put the general under maximum security. This obviously dampened Eisenhower's Christmas, so he put out a manhunt for Skorzeny all over France with wanted posters and everything. Except he wasn't even in France. He was leading a team of badass ninja commandos called the "Werewolves" in Russia. Otto was such a terrifying nemesis, that if he so much as casually mentions kidnapping the general of the most powerful military on the planet as if he were the Lindbergh baby from the complete opposite side of Europe, then the entire U.S. military skips the Amber Alert and puts a future president under maximum security.

After Germany lost WWII, Otto let us catch him and we put him on trial for all kinds of evil shit.

Otto Skorzeny awaiting the Nuremberg trials, where the most despicable men of the 20th century were brought to justice.
Seen here not giving a shit. 

But getting busted is for total tools, so he broke out of prison using stolen US military police uniforms, a plot straight out of a reverse Hogan's Heroes, and from there was spotted all around the world like a nazi Bigfoot. He even trained a bunch of commandos in the middle east, one of whom grew up and became a nobody named Yasser Arafat.

He set up an evil organization known as Die Spinne, that assisted Nazi war criminals in escaping to South America in hopes of creating a "Fourth Reich". Still not convinced that you're living in an action movie yet?

In the 1960s Skorzeny set up the Paladin Group, which he envisioned as "an international directorship of strategic assault personnel [that would] straddle the watershed between paramilitary operations carried out by troops in uniforms and the political warfare which is conducted by civilian agents"

So... like the fucking A-Team. But evil.

Now how did this image get in here?

Tragedy struck in 1975 when the world was deprived of an epic volcano fight as Otto Skorzeny died a surprisingly unevil, cancery death shortly before The Man With the Golden Gun was released in theaters...

But the Paladin Group is still around. Blowing shit up and holding the world ransom. Threatening to laser suave British spies in half and kidnapping beautiful women. Drop them an email sometime!

It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that there is true, unambiguous evil left in the world to fight. Sometimes we need to take a break from the horrors and ethical grey areas of modern warfare and return to a simpler time, when heroes were heroes, and villains were trying their damnedest to resemble Cobra Command or Hydra.

If you still don't believe something this awesome could have happened, read for yourself.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto_Skorzeny
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paladin_Group

P.S: Did Otto strangle Nikola Tesla to death with his bare hands? Either he did, or he knew he could say anything and we'd believe it.

http://www.sott.net/article/241580-Nikola-Tesla-Was-Murdered-by-Otto-Skorzeny