The Infomercial Zone: Furniture Fix

Today's installment is all about the magic and wonder that lies within the universe that I've dubbed 'The Infomercial Zone'. Within The Infomercial Zone, God is a corporate mascot and life is meaningless without whatever wacky invention he's trying to pawn off on you this week. Prophets like Billy Mays and that Australian dude serve as privatized messiahs for just $19.99! while mere mortals fumble their way through existence until our lord delivers us increasingly goofy devices when he deems us worthy, like a greedy asshole Prometheus. 

I think I'd like to make an entire series devoted to The Infomercial Zone, but today we'll just be focusing on one in particular. A singular window into this bizarre alternate reality.This is the harrowing tale of Furniture Fix.

Firstly, it claims that by inserting flimsy plastic slats underneath your couch cushions, you can restore furniture to brand new. This is like saying you can get that lump out of your futon by lining it with popsicle sticks. Actually, this is almost exactly what they're saying. Better metaphor: Like fixing a dent in your car by filling the divot with popsicle sticks. 

Now I can have ALL SORTS of sex on this couch. I'm just gonna get nasty on it.

Not only will it fix your couch, but it will also make grandpa taller and happier. Just like before the war took his shins.

Seems like this old bastard is really *sticking his neck out* for the product.

If you think that's impressive, wait till you see what happens next!

High-five for living a high calorie diet as our American gods have dictated to us! All heil McDonald's!

"That's 1000 pounds of sumo!"

I am not joking when I say that line was uttered in a serious infomercial.

But that's not all folks! If you call within the next 20 minutes, you also get the one, the only, the muthafuckin' Couch Pouch!

Never have to leave your place of worship for anything again!

And if you're not a fan of the Couch Pouch, I guess that just makes you a Couch Pouch Grouch.

Truly, this is a work of infomercial art. It really makes you wonder how previous generations lived with such anarchy. The state of nature caused by a lack of Furniture Fix slats is just incomprehensible to me. This is your host, Nate Russell, signing off. All heil our corporate demigods, and remember, there's no shipping and handling included in undying brand loyalty.

Slap your stupid kids, parents.

But wait, there's more! Click here and you also get an opportunity to witness daily life for the citizens of The Infomercial Zone.