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| This isn't Smedley, but you were totally picturing a guy like this, right? |
When you hear a name like Smedley Butler, you probably imagine a cowardly little gremlin of a person like this guy on the right. A weasley little no-good pencil neck who would probably sell your mom up the river for a new pocket protector.
Well I apologize to the descendants of Mr. Skukerman here for calling your grandpa a gremlin, because this is not what Smedley Butler looked like. (1920's mugshots, however will receive their own article in the future.)
No, Smedley didn't look like that dude at all. In fact, Mr. Butler more closely resembled R. Lee Ermey than Steve Buschemi. He was a man's man.The kind of guy that could shave with a piece of broken glass, and the glass would walk away with nicks on its face. The kind of guy that would refuse a cup of straight whiskey while saying he doesn't do girly drinks and knocking back a jug of unleaded diesel. Smedley could have incapacitated a professional wrestler with his musk and a stern looking at. Butler was kind of a badass, is what I'm trying to say.
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| "I've killed more men with my jawline than you've ever met, maggot." |
Butler was born in 1881 Pennsylvania with the name Smedley, presumably to give all the Butches, Conans, and Max Fightmasters of the world a fair chance at being rad. After lying about his age to join the marines, Smedley quickly escalated the ranks and fought wars all over the world, ranging from Cuba, to the Phillipines, China, Honduras, Mexico, and many others.
The common thread in many of the wars he fought in was nefarious corporate investment. He was valued by his superiors for his ability to fight and win wars for profit, and thus was promoted. Oil, bank profits, sugar and fruit trade were just some of the many spoils of war General Butler brought back to the United States.
So essentially, General Butler was what the bad guy from Avatar wants to be when he grows up. An indigenous people exploding, loving the smell of napalm in the morning, banana company exploiting mercenary.
When the great depression hit, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt was about to sign the New Deal, tightening the control on banks and corporations, ensuring that companies couldn't be as mustache-twirlingly evil as they had been for the previous 50 years. A group rich folks, some of whom were the heads of major corporations including General Motors, Good Year Tire, Standard Oil, the DuPont family, and Chase Bank got together and decided something had to be done about these whole 'Roosevelt putting a leash on evil business tycoons' shenanigans.
They had a meeting with the one and only go-to mercenary for shady business wars, Smedley, and asked him if he was busy Saturday and would mind getting some buddies of his together to overthrow the United States government.
But in an M. Night Shyamalan twist, Smedley Butler turned Darth Vader on their Senator Palpatine asses. He had grown tired of being a "racketeer for capitalism" as he called it and saved the day. The New Deal was signed, The U.S. didn't become a fascist state dominated by consumerism and- No, I'm just kidding. We're totally slaves to capitalism, but it could have been much worse.
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| "Oh no you don't, economics!" |
But somewhere out there exists an alternate universe where Smedley Butler was unable to resist the sweet smell of cash. He would have been the first president of a Fascist States of America that might have allied with Hitler and Mussolini. And maybe- just maybe- in The Infomercial Zone, perhaps in a commercial for The Aluma Wallet, President Butler may appear on the 5 dollar bill.
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